Feb 25, 2011
...and in that moment, as I lay on my bed, shaky and in tears, my heart wildly palpitating, I suddenly jumped up to find a pen and paper. On the way, I stopped at the girls' bedrooms, where they slept peacefully, unaware that when they wake they might not have a mommy anymore. My heart broke for them.
Oh, God, it's not fair! What will they do without me?!
That's why I had gotten this pen and paper! I ran back to the bed, ignoring the feeling like I was about to pass out or have a seizure. I had to write them a goodbye letter...let them know that I loved them both the same amount. Let them know that the arguments we had about chores were all because I love them and want them to grow up to be hard workers and good persons...and strong women. I had to make sure that they knew that I was only human and I was aware that there were times when I was in the wrong, when I overreacted, when I was perhaps too critical...and not 're-directive', as I should have been. If I didn't make it through the night, they had to know that I was only human with faults and fancies, which may have at times been unrealistic. Oh my God, it was so sad, I wouldn't know if I did a good or bad job, if they are happy or not, what kind of mothers they would be...Yes, I apologized for being a bad mum, at times, and so "you have to learn from that too," I wrote; confessions and worries galore...and many tears later and "I'll always be with you!" We'll meet in heaven one day...
After a sleepless night, the next day I woke up, and was I ever grateful for life! This wonderful one chance we get and actually have the freedom to do whatever we want with!!! Bless you Democracy!
After a visit to the doctor and a few tests, he lowered my synthoid med and yes, I'm still here!
And best of all, I still have my sense of humor!
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